Remember that short time in Rap music when all the rappers suddenly became muscle men? Jim Jones got swolled up, Lil’ Wayne looked like he found the weight room, and even Lloyd Banks stopped filming porn to do push ups. In this day and age, record labels would have a hard time selling the image of an obese rapper. The United States is more health conscious than ever. Record labels go with national trends, and obese rappers aren’t what the people are calling for. A record label putting an obese rapper on stage would be equivalent to Gabourey Sidibe’s mother putting her in a “Little Miss Perfect” pageant, but only the swimsuit round. Yea, you’re just looking out for your investment, but it’s wrong and no one wants to see that.
When fans did embrace the large MC, the public mostly accepted them because the MC accepted their overweight status through their stage names: Fat Boys, Heavy D, Chubb Rock, Fat Joe, 8ball, and others. NSS is going to get its Michelle Obama on , though, and act in the name of obesity prevention, with a twist. NSS is pointing out rappers who will be dropped from their label sooner than later if they don’t start eating more carrot sticks. They’re being warned right here, right now. NSS is going as far as giving rappers their obese stage name (“name-calling” if you will): the name they would inherit if they continue their unhealthy ways. Today’s list is for those MCs that need to add more whole grains to their diet or else they’ll have to change their stage name to one that reflects their massiveness.
Honorable Mentions:
Ice Cube – Cube maintains his weight well. He’s one of those guys who looks like he should be bigger, but he simply doesn’t get bigger. Maybe he’s into that Jamba Juice stuff.
Lil’ Flip – Where is Flip? The only reason he’s an honorable mention is because he hasn’t shown his face in a while. To me, that means he’s burying his face in a bucket full of KFC in a dark room somewhere…Original Recipe if you were wondering.
Bun B and Paul Wall – I just feel like they BBQ together, a lot.
5. Drake
Drake is on this list because he has a build that will make him look puffier as he gets older. It’s also the same build that will leave him looking like Russell Simmons if he stays too healthy. He just needs to be careful of fluctuation. I’m thinking since he’s from Toronto, he has inherited a love for syrup, only this will be his curse. Drake needs to make sure he doesn’t settle for processed sugars as his career continues to afford him free food and beverages. He should certainly add a strict “no soy sauce” policy, however. Rumor has it that IHOP dropped Drake as a representative when he overdosed on blueberry syrup at his Sprite commercial shoot, hence “Drizzy” Drake. He tried to make “drizzle” sound cool, but I’m not fooled. Between the lack of melanin in his skin and how soft he looks, his obese rap name would be “Butterscotch Drizzle Drake”.
"I drink chicken gravy...It keeps my complexion light."
4. Young Jeezy
Jeezy looks like the lost Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. His Ninja Turtle name would be “Calzone” or “Prosciutto”. When Jeezy referred to himself as the “Doughboy”, he was talking more Pillsbury and less monetary. Jeezy’s at a pretty high risk too because he’s in Atlanta. Deep Southern food is only good for diabetes, high cholesterol, and the “itis” (EYE-tis). Most rappers only have a shelf life of a few years. Once they stop doing shows and living up to their “image” their dedication toward taking care of themselves may dwindle (as with anyone who could be in a situation where they have luxury taking away). Jeezy better make sure he’s not moving “cakes” and “pies” to his mouth. Jeezy’s obese stage name would be “Patty Cakes”.
"I want all yo' cakes and all yo' pies, son. Come up off them baked goods."
3. Eminem
If you’re a fan of Late Night with Jimmy Kimmel then you’re aware of Eminem’s explosive ability to fluctuate in weight. In addition to weight gain vulnerability, Eminem is constantly depressed. All it’ll take is Em’ catching his wife cheating on him for the 75th time, or having his mom scream at him about leaving dirty laundry on the bathroom floor, and he’ll be back to popping pills and eating Bon Bons on the couch like Peg Bundy in no time. To keep his commercial appeal, Eminem’s obese rap name would be “King Size Eminem”.
"Lemme get four more meatballs with my ziti."
2. Gucci Mane
When I originally wrote this list, I was thinking that Gucci had to be number one. He’s locked up now though, which will benefit him. I grew up around enough dudes who have served time to know that living in a cell works better than the South Beach diet. All they do is work out and eat spoonfuls of crappy food. When he gets out, though, Gucci will also be surrounded by Southern cooking. He’ll be able to enjoy candied yams with marshmallows and animal parts that shouldn’t be mentioned, much less digested. Gucci seems to be focused on healthy eating, though. He obviously likes lemons, so the citrus should help in his diet. I think his platinum egg beater chain signifies his love for egg whites, and that’s always a healthy choice. Gucci’s main concern (see what I did there? Gucci and main? No? It’s ok, it wasn’t that good) should be that he already has the stomach of a 65-year-old alcoholic…Or the stomach of a Dookie. Gucci’s obese rap name would be “Trans Fat Mane”
Then again, maybe jail isn't a good place for Gucci to be?
1. Tony Yayo
Tony Yayo looks like he consumes nothing but pork, 40 OZ. malt liquor beverages, and Newports. Occasionally he’ll have a Boone’s Farm Melon Ball, followed by a Bloody Mary to get his daily serving of fruits and veggies. Read my lips NSS Nation, Tony Yayo will look like a 300 pound Tracy Morgan in four to six years. Mind you, I have nothing to base any of this on, but I know a pork abuser when I see one. Yayo once lost feeling in his face because he stuffed it full of pickled pigs feet until it went numb. Yayo is already lacking in skills, album sales, overall visibility, and likability. He’ll eventually have to start a band and play the spoons on this belly. His obese name would be “Extra Yayo” and his band “With Cheese”.
"You look like you taste like pork shoulder with gravy"
There’s No WHOSAIDIT?! winner from yesterday. The answer was CL Smooth on Mary J. Blige’s What’s the 411 Remix album. It’s really just CL Smooth’s first verse of They Reminisce Over You laid over Mary’s Reminisce.
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[...] in the kitchen. In reality, he needs to use it to make some egg whites before his belly takes over East Atlanta and takes his [...]