No Soy Sauce

I have rules that I try to live by.  One of those rules concerns a female’s appearance.  I typically don’t like my women friend with a lot of make-up on; I want to know that they will look the same going to bed as they do waking up in the morning.   Make-up covers up the truth, and like a Presidential candidate, I’m all about looking truth in the eye.  Which is why I’m also not much of a fan of Wonder Bras, butt pads, hair extensions or anything that over accentuates basically. If there wasn’t cleavage there before, there shouldn’t be any now.  Rock your chest skin the way it is.

I say all this because, for some time now, there has been a rumor that Nicki Minaj has butt implants.   I have no interest in whether this information is correct or not, I don’t have to sleep with her.  While I may have a problem with Nicki faking the funk on the badonk I am willing to give her a pass if she can put her newly acquired assets to good use. Below is a list of the 5 best uses for Nicki Minaj’s voluptuous junk holder that should prove useful.

"And I just be stuffing my butt, asbestos"

Honorable Mentions:

Become A Video Hoe

Be A Moon in Lil Wayne’s Daughter’s Space Travel Diorama

5.  Feed The Children Of Haiti

It’s not too late to help.  Several countries are chipping in to help rebuild Haiti’s infrastructure.  As the French and others kindly decline their invitation help rebuild Haiti (that’s a joke, sort of) Nicki could get a head start on the relief efforts by hitting orphanages up with lightly-seasoned, fresh-out-of-the-shower butt cheek slivers.  And, it’s okay if the implants are silicone, she can just serve tofu cheek slivers.

Butt cheek sliver and onions

4.  Kill People For Dr. Kevorkian

Who uses pillows anymore?  Hire Nicki to sit on the loved one you’re trying to get rid of for insurance money, today.  I wouldn’t mind dying due to butt cheek suffocation.  Might be peaceful.

3.  Human Pillow at Homeless Shelters

Leave it to the Japanese to come up with a human lap for a pillow.  Leave it to NSS  for suggesting Nicki Minaj’s a**. Nicki can simply lay face down in the corner of a homeless shelter and the homeless can lay face down on her butt after they get their soup. You could form a line for 30 minute naps on Nicki’s butt and in the winter time she can fart to give the homeless warmth.

Order the odor free version now!

2.  Wax Tyga’s Brown Datsun

Tyga has yet to make an album and his boss is currently in jail, so he’s struggling for gas money.  However, Nicki could continue her good Samaritan ways and give Tyga’s Datsun a nice booty shine.   Put Nicki in a string bikini, cover her entire bum bum with turtle wax, blast some of Tyga’s latest studio “hits”, instruct Nicki to apply the turtle wax in slow circular movements and film it. Instant Datsun wax job AND another marvelous Tyga video.

These things get great gas mileage in L.A.

1.  Apply Rosie O’Donnell’s Make-up

Rosie O’donnell’s head has its own galaxy.  Her head has ten times the gravitational pull of Jupiter.  Despite my statements about make-up in the opening paragraph, Rosie is the exception to the rule, she has Carte Blanche authority on make-up usage.  Rosie is encouraged to look better going to bed than she does waking up.  Rosie O’donnell’s problem is that she has spots on her head that she can’t reach due to the enormity of it.  This is where Nicki comes in.  Nicki can keep shades of mascara, lip liner, and eye shadow on the left butt cheek and keep powders and blushes on the right butt cheek.  With a hind-part like Nicki’s  no part of Rosie O’Donnell’s face will go un-make-upped (yes, I made that up).  Nicki’s cheeks could also double as a nice face and scalp massage tool in this situation also.  The best part, though?  If Nicki simply wets her butt cheeks and applies sand to them she becomes a human exfoliator.

I'm not even comfortable making a comment about her big a** head in this picture. The rest of her face deserves some serious attetion...Damn.